A Day of Thanks

Sometimes I wish cliche's didn't exist because it takes meaning away from some of the best things in life. Including physically writing down what you are thankful for. So in spirit of the holiday, these are twenty things I am thankful for...in no particular order. (FYI, the picture, I am thankful for that guy. Just because he is impressive.)

1. My family. It is amazing how I can be so lucky. And I had zero to do with it. Thanks, God.
2. My friends. There aren't words to describe it, and that means...I'm blessed.
3. Patience. Because although it can be tough to wait for something you want so badly, it makes it even better when everything works out.
4. The words, I love you. And the way they make me feel.
5. My church family, wherever I live. They make Sunday mornings, and the days in between, better.
5. Sounds like music...and laughter. Because to me, they go together.
6. Technology. Sometimes I hate it, but it a blessing.
7. The fact that I can look back on my childhood and smile.
8. Being taught confidence, morals, and how to treat others. Because, yes, it is taught.
9. For sloths. Enough said.
10. The fact that I know I have people who would do so much, if not anything, for me.
11. Voice cracks. Thank you for making me laugh....every time.
12. Democracy (extra cheesy, I know)
13. When people fall in trashcans. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...
14. Christmas music
15. That I can safely say I'll never be homeless.
16. Letters, words, sentances and the people who put them together and make them meaningful.
17. The two best states. Michigan and Missouri. South Dakota, you're next.
18. love.
19. faith.
20. my life.

Laughing

I. love. this. video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxUulGkLu4I

I am one of those people that laughs at nearly every video on America's Funniest Home Videos. I have a juvenile sense of humor.
Two things guarantee to make things laugh.

1. When someones voice cracks (preferably a mans)
2. When people fall into trash cans. This however, only seems to happen in the movies, alas.

Recently, I have had this obsession with finding a new laugh, I don't know if it is because I notice other people's laughs or if I notice how awful mine is. No matter the reason, I am working on developing a new laugh. I'll let you know how that goes.

This is a random post. But I guess what pulls it together is, there is no one in this world that dislikes laughter. Sure, we've got the 9th grade emo kids who try to say it only makes them cringe and those who are just too serious but when you get down to it, show me a person who doesn't like laughter and I'll show you a liar. Wise words from Ellen.

Anyway, to the two people(Lizzie and Kat, I love you both) who read this, enjoy the video, although I know Kat has already seen it. And by golly, have a good laugh.

Expertise

I wish there were more things in this life that I could say I was an expert on. Not important things like the economy or mathematics, but like movie trivia. I wish there was a movie I knew everything about, that I could name all the characters, their birthdate. I want to be an expert in something random. I've always thought that people like that are cool because it is something so unique.

Sometimes I think that I am lacking a specific personality, or one that I like at least. Gosh, way to make that small unimportant post into something serious, Ellen. But really, I've been thinking about it a lot. What makes me different from everyone else? Honestly, not a lot. I wish I was one of those people that other people called a "character." I want to be a character. And I think I'll start with a wierd obsession in something random.

Is writing a memoir arrogant?

So, after reading David Sedaris' "Me Talk Pretty One Day" I am going to begin my memoir. The first thing that comes to mind (per the title) is, is that arrogant? To think that my short lived life is worth writing, and worse, worth the time of strangers. But, no matter, I have already started brainstorming. It will be one of two books to start out my life as a writer. The second being "A Day Worth Writing About." This second one will be the one to make me the big dough, it will no doubtely make the best sellers list. The concept is that I have to write for a certain amount of time every day, in order to become more aware of my life and how I am living it. My memoir will stay dusty on the shelves of quaint bookshops, but that is alright considering I wrote it for myself.

So that's it.

This is one of the more positive posts, and it is indictivative of my mood the majority of the time. So don't be thinking I'm all moody.

Why do I never want to post when I'm happy....which is most of the time.

The feeling, the recognition, the everything of loneliness is one of the hardest things to recognize in yourself. Most of us are surrounded by people and if we aren't, we are surrounded by ways to communicate with people. But amidst a crowd, we still feel lonely. I guess it is because it is not the amount of people you are with but who you are with. Notice the feeble attempt to cover up that cliche with deep musings. But, anyway. I'm lonely. And I hate it. It is one of those dominoe-ing feelings, where you finally recognize that you feel alone and then you start thinking about every insecurity you've ever had. Those are the worst. I know this is just a phase, that it is probably just part of the transition to home but I would really love if it went away. But this is complain-y enough for now.

Really, most of the time I am happy as a clam.

You know you are behind when your mom knows more about the internet than you.

Enjoy Kitty. It's part of a very delayed birthday present. Just part, however.

Weight

Sometimes there are phrases, lyrics, words that just stick out to you. They are easily remembered, constantly repeated. This lyric was one of them. It comes from Dar William's song, Closer to Me. Somehow these type of lyrics get at the core of something within you, some insecurity, some worry, some constant thought.

“Am I the habit you're too tired to break?"

Man, oh man. Nine words that hit the nail a little to hard on the head. For some reason, college has made me more insecure. Maybe its not college, but irregardless the result of this time has been the same. Annoying insecurity. Insecurity that despite my most valient attempts at hiding it behind confidence and humor pokes out its ugly head. But the truth is I question all. I question my friendships, I question my ability, I question my relationships. I doubt. I question. I wonder. And, worse, I try to act like I'm not.

It's not that I question my dedication to my friends, it is unfailing. And not to say I have friends that ever confirm this insecurity. It's just that I am scared it is a one-way road. Or maybe it is a two-way road but one side is more heavily used than the other. So this is where that damned lyric comes in. Do my friends spend time with me because I am available, because I am persistent, because I am "there" or because the alternative would take effort.

But really, the real insecurity isn't even only in my friendships, it is in the other relationships, the romantic ones. Although it seems silly to speculate without any real evidence to show I will even have to deal with this, it constantly crosses my mind. Will someone love me because they truly love me or because it is comfortable? I think that is an common worry for people. It is a primitive feeling, almost. But it is weighing me down. It's just too big to handle.

No one likes an insecure friend. Even worse, an insecure soulmate. Gonnahavetoworkonthat.

Friends

Whenever I hear the song "For Good" from Wicked I think of certain people. My closest, dearest friends. I think of the afternoon Maggie and I belted every word to Wicked instead of homework. I remember the Candyman dancing of my Kat. Breaking it down with people in my living room. Late night talks. I remember the kind words of people I just meet, and that I hope to get to know better.
I have always been blessed with incredible people, people who make me better. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it. And then, I realize, nothign. I have done nothing. I don't deserve them. But that is what makes those kind of friends so invaluable. Because they stick with you even when you don't deserve it. Even when any other friend would leave.

My friends are friends for life. I pick great ones, and these great friends stick with me whether or not they want to.
It's pathetic, it makes me teary. But the people I surround myself with never cease to amaze me. i wish this post was more prophetic, that it explained what the people around me actually mean to me. But it can't. Because the English language is stilted, it doens't have words to describe the indescribable. Wow, that was cheesy. I mean, really cheesy. But screw it, I don't care.

---
I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you. I have been changed for good...

My favorite animal

I don't know what made me decide sloths are my favorite animal. Or why, at 18, I needed a favorite animal. But they are just so cool. I mean, how cool is an animal that can survive without having any real defense mechanisms. Their entire life, they barely move, just sitting, sliding around. I mean other words to describe sloths derive from the English words "sleep" "eat" and "dirty". Come on. That's cool. That's really cool. I realize it is a wierd animal to like, they are not at all cute, but I think they are just so funny. They are like that friend who is always just chill, never worrying. That's the way to live.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/17201/saturday-night-live-sloths#s-p8-st-i0

Sunny Days

Several weeks ago we had the kind of day that draws you outside. The sun shone strongly, there was a nice breeze. So I had about 30 minutes of free time and I sat by our bell tower and started to do something I rarely do anymore. I wrote. Here are the results.


----
Pen to Paper
Thought to reality
it is the point where you can't deny
the things you know

There are few things scarier
than admitting to others what you can't
admit to yourself

Because the actions of others are, in a word
Unpredictable
it is knowing eyes will watch
minds will judge
mouths will judge

It is pen to paper

Thought to reality.
----

There is a time that everyone thinks to themseves
Okay, now I'm an adult
Alright, now is when my life starts

But when is that?
When is that time?
Is it at a certain age?
Or after a certain event?
Or is it simply
a state
It lies dormant until the mind, the emotions are
ready, prepared to recognize what always
existed

But for now
we go on, using
the "boys will be boys"
"girls will be girls" "teenagers
will be teenagers"
excuse.
But that is all it is.

An excuse.
---

May you find every step to be harder than the last

There is this song, a song that was sent to me. The lyrics are some of the most powerful I've read. So instead of trying to explain it in my inferior writing, I'll let the words speak for themselves.


Pray-Kendall Payne

I will pray for you now, for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I couldn't not ask for more than what you've already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me
May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strenght all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride
May your company be of human insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride
What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the One who made us
And see Him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they'd be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see
May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you'd learn to trust the plan He has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true
I have prayed for you now all my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could eever speak
As the way wanders on I'll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh, that you would pray for me

Every line has meaning but there are several that stick out to me.

"All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride"

I think this speaks to what we, as sinful humans do everyday. We spend our days building, constructing, protecting, hiding. To us, there seems to be a purpose to the walls we put up. We tell ourselves that we are doing just fine. But this is saying that those crowns, those castles, have to fall in order to truly be connected to God.

I think many times I expect things to come easily to me. It sounds arrogant. But it's true. I expect people to like me, I expect to do well in life. But I don't work for it. I have built myself up too much only to realize the things important to me, the things I value, hold little significance in the big picture.

So for now, I hope to work harder, to be more reflective. And to make sure each step I make is harder than the last.

The Crowd

I found this on a blog I had several years ago. It was the only post.

It is amazing how many people we see in a day, how many nameless faces we pass in one day. Today I met a woman named Sophia in St. Louis. I am staying at a hotel with my family this weekend so we can all see my sister march in a competition. I was downstairs in the lobby and this short, wobbly sort of woman was pacing behind my chair. She was weighed down with three different tote bags, coats and a pink address book. She came up and asked me if the antique looking phones in the lobby worked. I told her I didn't know. She sighed and so I offered her the use of my cell phone. She graciously accepted and after a short tutorial made a call. "Maria? Is that you?" she plead into the phone. Apparently it wasn't, for she hung up the phone and dialed another number. Finally she reached a recognizable voice and began a conversation. She told the person that she was in St. Louis and that she didn't have enough money to afford the hotel, because the cost was higher than she estimated. She said that she couldn't reach Maria, her sister, in order to use her credit card. She got teary, saying that her dad didn't give her enough money, fearing she would leave the country. The conversation concluded with Sophia telling the other person that she wasn't calling to ask for money, but simply to say hi and tell Maria to call her as soon as possible. She handed me back her phone but I told her that she could use it as long as she wanted, that it was after seven and I had free minutes. She took the phone back and continued to make calls. After about ten minutes the situation seemed to be partially resolved because when she handed back my phone she smiled.
She smiled at me, saying that she wished she was my age, but instead she was 48. She began asking me questions. What is your name, how old are you, are you here with your parents. I answered them all and she told me I was lucky to be here with my parents. After our conversation dwindled she twisted toward the window. Her eyes glazed over and she seemed to be thinking deeply.
I don't know anything about Sophia except that she has a sister named Maria and a dad who won't give her enough money. But my interaction with this four foot 10 woman made me realize a simple, concrete fact. There are so many people in the world who struggle with many things I take for granted. My family checked into a room today without having to ask others for money, we ate an expensive, excellent dinner and my family is with me constantly. Sometimes reality smacks you in the face. It is a cliche reality but a reality nonetheless. I dont know what will happen to Sophia tomorrow. I don't know if she will make it back to California, if she will make it to John's award ceremony, the reason that she is in St. Louis she told me. I will probably never see Sophia again. But there are millions of Sophias, millions of nameless faces with a deep story.

The Beginning

I've created this blog because there has to be some evidence of my life. I know it sounds arrogant, but the next four years of my life, and the decades that follow, will be the most pivotal in my life. And there is something to be said for writing it all down. The reason I've decided to post it on the Internet is because the things I write here are ones I want to share with whomever chooses to read. I expect it to be mostly my family and close friends. Don't fret, though, no information will be posted that could identify where I live, or any information that could put me in danger.

So, for now, I begin.

I named the blog Reticence for several reasons. One, it is just a cool word. Two, it is a word that describes little in my life and a word that I wish described more. It is the state of being reserved, being quite, just being. I think that writing what you think is trying to get you to become more reticent, to begin to look inward.

It might be cliche, but whenever I start stuff like this, I wonder when I will look back. In four years, when I am hopefully graduated, will I pour over these initial entries, laughing at my freshman self. What will have changed, where will I be, what will I be doing, who will be in my life. So for now I continue, day by day, wondering how my actions of day will affect the decisions I can make later.