Why do I never want to post when I'm happy....which is most of the time.

The feeling, the recognition, the everything of loneliness is one of the hardest things to recognize in yourself. Most of us are surrounded by people and if we aren't, we are surrounded by ways to communicate with people. But amidst a crowd, we still feel lonely. I guess it is because it is not the amount of people you are with but who you are with. Notice the feeble attempt to cover up that cliche with deep musings. But, anyway. I'm lonely. And I hate it. It is one of those dominoe-ing feelings, where you finally recognize that you feel alone and then you start thinking about every insecurity you've ever had. Those are the worst. I know this is just a phase, that it is probably just part of the transition to home but I would really love if it went away. But this is complain-y enough for now.

Really, most of the time I am happy as a clam.

You know you are behind when your mom knows more about the internet than you.

Enjoy Kitty. It's part of a very delayed birthday present. Just part, however.

Weight

Sometimes there are phrases, lyrics, words that just stick out to you. They are easily remembered, constantly repeated. This lyric was one of them. It comes from Dar William's song, Closer to Me. Somehow these type of lyrics get at the core of something within you, some insecurity, some worry, some constant thought.

“Am I the habit you're too tired to break?"

Man, oh man. Nine words that hit the nail a little to hard on the head. For some reason, college has made me more insecure. Maybe its not college, but irregardless the result of this time has been the same. Annoying insecurity. Insecurity that despite my most valient attempts at hiding it behind confidence and humor pokes out its ugly head. But the truth is I question all. I question my friendships, I question my ability, I question my relationships. I doubt. I question. I wonder. And, worse, I try to act like I'm not.

It's not that I question my dedication to my friends, it is unfailing. And not to say I have friends that ever confirm this insecurity. It's just that I am scared it is a one-way road. Or maybe it is a two-way road but one side is more heavily used than the other. So this is where that damned lyric comes in. Do my friends spend time with me because I am available, because I am persistent, because I am "there" or because the alternative would take effort.

But really, the real insecurity isn't even only in my friendships, it is in the other relationships, the romantic ones. Although it seems silly to speculate without any real evidence to show I will even have to deal with this, it constantly crosses my mind. Will someone love me because they truly love me or because it is comfortable? I think that is an common worry for people. It is a primitive feeling, almost. But it is weighing me down. It's just too big to handle.

No one likes an insecure friend. Even worse, an insecure soulmate. Gonnahavetoworkonthat.

Friends

Whenever I hear the song "For Good" from Wicked I think of certain people. My closest, dearest friends. I think of the afternoon Maggie and I belted every word to Wicked instead of homework. I remember the Candyman dancing of my Kat. Breaking it down with people in my living room. Late night talks. I remember the kind words of people I just meet, and that I hope to get to know better.
I have always been blessed with incredible people, people who make me better. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it. And then, I realize, nothign. I have done nothing. I don't deserve them. But that is what makes those kind of friends so invaluable. Because they stick with you even when you don't deserve it. Even when any other friend would leave.

My friends are friends for life. I pick great ones, and these great friends stick with me whether or not they want to.
It's pathetic, it makes me teary. But the people I surround myself with never cease to amaze me. i wish this post was more prophetic, that it explained what the people around me actually mean to me. But it can't. Because the English language is stilted, it doens't have words to describe the indescribable. Wow, that was cheesy. I mean, really cheesy. But screw it, I don't care.

---
I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you. I have been changed for good...

My favorite animal

I don't know what made me decide sloths are my favorite animal. Or why, at 18, I needed a favorite animal. But they are just so cool. I mean, how cool is an animal that can survive without having any real defense mechanisms. Their entire life, they barely move, just sitting, sliding around. I mean other words to describe sloths derive from the English words "sleep" "eat" and "dirty". Come on. That's cool. That's really cool. I realize it is a wierd animal to like, they are not at all cute, but I think they are just so funny. They are like that friend who is always just chill, never worrying. That's the way to live.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/17201/saturday-night-live-sloths#s-p8-st-i0

Sunny Days

Several weeks ago we had the kind of day that draws you outside. The sun shone strongly, there was a nice breeze. So I had about 30 minutes of free time and I sat by our bell tower and started to do something I rarely do anymore. I wrote. Here are the results.


----
Pen to Paper
Thought to reality
it is the point where you can't deny
the things you know

There are few things scarier
than admitting to others what you can't
admit to yourself

Because the actions of others are, in a word
Unpredictable
it is knowing eyes will watch
minds will judge
mouths will judge

It is pen to paper

Thought to reality.
----

There is a time that everyone thinks to themseves
Okay, now I'm an adult
Alright, now is when my life starts

But when is that?
When is that time?
Is it at a certain age?
Or after a certain event?
Or is it simply
a state
It lies dormant until the mind, the emotions are
ready, prepared to recognize what always
existed

But for now
we go on, using
the "boys will be boys"
"girls will be girls" "teenagers
will be teenagers"
excuse.
But that is all it is.

An excuse.
---

May you find every step to be harder than the last

There is this song, a song that was sent to me. The lyrics are some of the most powerful I've read. So instead of trying to explain it in my inferior writing, I'll let the words speak for themselves.


Pray-Kendall Payne

I will pray for you now, for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I couldn't not ask for more than what you've already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me
May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strenght all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride
May your company be of human insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride
What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the One who made us
And see Him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they'd be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see
May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you'd learn to trust the plan He has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true
I have prayed for you now all my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could eever speak
As the way wanders on I'll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh, that you would pray for me

Every line has meaning but there are several that stick out to me.

"All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride"

I think this speaks to what we, as sinful humans do everyday. We spend our days building, constructing, protecting, hiding. To us, there seems to be a purpose to the walls we put up. We tell ourselves that we are doing just fine. But this is saying that those crowns, those castles, have to fall in order to truly be connected to God.

I think many times I expect things to come easily to me. It sounds arrogant. But it's true. I expect people to like me, I expect to do well in life. But I don't work for it. I have built myself up too much only to realize the things important to me, the things I value, hold little significance in the big picture.

So for now, I hope to work harder, to be more reflective. And to make sure each step I make is harder than the last.