Necessity

The old saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention. I say, boredom is the mother of invention, or at least re-invention. It's when I've exhausted every internet escapade that I finally make it back to the blog. It starts with me making a new budget, a new fitness plan, an extensive to-do list, some pinteresting, and finally blogspot. Sunday nights are when I notice the most difference between working full time and being a students. When you are a student, Sunday nights are the devil, the bane of your procrastination. They show you what your studying endurance is made of. But when you work (serve) full time, Sunday nights can be what you make them. They can be busy, but so is the rest of the woeek, so why overork yourself? They tend to be slower, especially because everyone I hang out with is doing the student thang. So I have to figure out how to fill the time that isn't by work or social time.

Summer Begins

You're no preacher, they said.
You're a singer.
For a preacher needs poise, acumen, and above all
discipline.
Those, singers lack.
But she desperately wanted to be a preached.
Wanted it not for only the title,
but also the respect.
But they said, you're no preacher.
You're a singer.

Singers, they come and they go.

Books, books, books

I have been on a reading frenzy lately, made myself into a lean-mean-reading-machine. For now, at least. Who knows how long this will last. I figured I could use this blog to document the books I've read so I can maybe remember them 2 days from now.

1.) This Much I Know Is True-Wally Lamb
This was an Oprah book selection once upon the time. I was dubious at the start, the cover has a picture of a baby's fetus, I thought it was some weird mom book my mom had given me. But I was pleasantly surprised. The book follows the story of two twins, Thomas and Dominick. Thomas is schizophrenic, Dominick isn't. The plot is told from the perspective from the sometimes twisted, dark but well-intentioned Dominick. It is a story about the family who, like most families, is dysfunctional. At first you can't see the kindness in the abusive, crass father, but like people, you learn to see the sympathy in his heart.

I liked this book because it was not only a fast read, but it made me learn more about relationships, something you can always learn about. That's what reading does, it takes you into worlds you wouldn't otherwise get to go into. I thought it was interesting to see the difficult balance Dominick struggled to strike throughout. He loved and wanted to help his brother who was in and out of mental hospitals but at what point are you helping to improve your brothers life, or helping out of guilt? Overall, I'd give the book a B+.

2.) Angela's Ashes-Frank McCourt
I have started this book probably three times but never finished it. This time I was determined, and it was well worth it. Angela's Ashes is considered a classic, read by millions. It is the biography of American author, Frank McCourt and his difficult childhood in famine-ridden Ireland. Another story of a dysfunctional family. His father drinks his wages, his mother has to go through the death of three children. Frank goes through the typical rites of passages, but the writing makes them funny, more meangiful, even monumental. Angela's Ashes made me think about my thoughts to write my own memoir. I haven't gone through the kind of hunger, the kind of tragedy, or had the kind of life that Frank McCourt had, but that doesn't mean I don't have the ability to write a memoir people would want to read. IT wasn't the situations McCourt went through, albeit improtant, but it ws the way he wrote them. One thing I enjoyed about this book was his phonetic way of writing. He would transfer the Irish accent into the pages, making them come alive. Overall, I would give this book an A.

One of my favorite quotes-it comes from Frank's headmaster.
"You have to study and learn so that you can make up your own mind about history and everything else but you can’t make up an empty mind. Stock your mind, stock your mind. It is your house of treasure and no one in the world can interfere with it."

3.) She's Come Undone-Wally Lamb
This is the book I am currently reading. It is by the same author as This much I know is true. It is written from a girl named Dolores' perspective. It is like Lamb's other book, where it follows a twisted and disturbed main character and their journey for self-actualization. Lamb's strength is in character development. Although Dolores continues to make the wrong decisions, you want her to succeed, figure out life. You wonder when life knocks down these people so many times, what makes them want to get up? I'll update when I finish.

PIeces of a Whole

A question that has been always in the back of my mind, seeming to pop up at a regular interval is, Do you have to be broken to be able to feel whole? Do you have to hit rock bottom to be able to truly improve? I have addressed it briefly in some previous posts but I dedicate this one to it, at least the pieces of a whole part-mostly relationship oriented. This question was triggered by reading an old teacher's blog (creepy, kinda). This teacher was a mentor to me, and his blog has provided me a lot of insight. He wrote that he hasn't had a lot of trouble in his life, hasn't traversed a lot of tragedy whether it be financially or otherwise but he has had his heart broken. He said he has been party to four broken relationships. Well I've been party to none. Not that I am wishing for that, believe me, I think it is one of the biggest blessings in my life, but it makes me wonder if I am one day going to yearn for that. Now let me explain that oxymoronic statement. Can the heart yearn for pain? Of course not. But I think that the heart does yearn for love without doubt. And to me, at first glance, it seems that the only way you can experience a doubtless love is to exhaust every other possibility, to see what you don't want.

Okay, but maybe that's not it. Try to put up with my black and forth. Things aren't black and white, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

So this is the conclusion I've come to for now. Everybody's different. What a breakthrough, I know. All my faithful, and numerous blog readers are breathing a sigh of relief, and saying to themselves, "Gosh, this is why I read her blog. For the unique insight." Again, let me explain. Why the hell would I want my heart broken only to piece it back together. Sure, there have been cracks along the way, and there will be more to come, maybe even a full out break. But the heart knows what it wants and it doesn't need to be told what it doesn't in order to appreciate all the good in life.

This is a passing glance at an issue or a thought that will continue to cross my mind. It is by no means my full conclusion, just one piece in the puzzle.

Summmmmmmmer

Time does seem to go slower here in South Dakota, but I have begun to embrace that fact, rather than fight it. It's hard not to feel like a broken record when I look back on what I write on here, but I guess that speaks to the nature of life. We battle the same things always, just in different forms. A cynic would see that as discouraging, but as an eternal optimist I look at it as the only way we can truely improve.

A few things that have happened in the Hensel life:

1. Mama Hensel has made the final move to South Dakota, for good this time. She has already brightened the household. My dad said to me the night before she had to come, It's been a long year and a half. He is too ready for her to get here. Ironically, he was in DC during her arrival but will be back tomorrow.

2. We are embracing teh South Dakota landscape. On Wednesday we are going to rough it at a cabin near where Laura Ingalls Wilder grew up during her writing of the "The Long Winter" (a book we have decided to do a family read-aloud with. This cabin has an outdoor bathroom and you bring your own food to cook, so Mama said "We will be going out to eat." True Hensel fashion.

3. We are also going to get into the World Cup. My first team is Argentina, I think we are picking more. I also have to cook a traditional Argentinian dinner...

4. I've been reading! Go, Ellen. I have dove into three books, I Know This Much is True, a Ya-Ya sisterhood book and the companion to A Wrinkle In Time. I'm only in the beginning for all three, but I like them so far.

So that's Ellen life, for the thousands who care. Alert the presses!

P.S. Here's a pic of my fave spot in Vermillion. On my runs I like to go there for a much deserved break.

"Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone, and the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."

--Paul Johannes Tillich

This Emotional Life

I went from 0 to 60 in terms of blog posting, and I am sure I can’t keep up this pace but ah well. I have been in a documentary mode lately, and I had forgotten how much I like them. You get to learn in an hour and a half about someone else’s life, someone else’s struggles, or an issue in our world. I’ve watched Food, Inc. which I would highly recommend. It has changed the way that I look at what I eat. I also watched a PBS special: Digital Nation, which made me a little more cognizant of the technology I use everyday. I watched The Smartest Guys in the Room, which is about the fall of Enron. And last night I watched “This Emotional Life.” It is another PBS special. They explain it better than I can:

"Harvard psychologist and best-selling author Dr. Daniel Gilbert (Stumbling on Happiness) hosts this three-part PBS series that explores the range of human emotions and how we can strive to become more positive in our day-to-day lives. The program examines the biological basis of happiness, the role of relationships and the ways in which we can cope with negative emotions.”
It was very well done. It started by going through the familial relationships, parent to child, child to parent. Then the friend relationship, one of the most delicate relationships. Finally, the romantic love. Although at times it was discouraging, especially in the marriage one, where it seems impossible to have a marriage that lasts, I think the most interesting part was understanding that as humans we need social relationships for survival. They are an innate need.

I think the biggest thing I learned from this documentary is to make conscious decisions and make conscious efforts when dealing with my social relationships. They are natural, but they don’t always stay that way. It takes work, it takes effort.

After re-reading that last post, I hope it made sense. I guess it doesn't matter if it makes sense to others, I do this for myself. Today I began an undertaking most 50 year-olds would be envious of. I watched the pilot of West Wing today, and plan to make it through at least the first four seasons, which are the best. I love this show. It is incredibly written, interesting and it shows a world I have a lot of interest in.

A quick summer goal list: they rarely vary summer to summer

1. Get healthy
2. Read, read, read
3. Save money, be financially stable
4. Just live, get rid of all these expectations that just lead to guilt. Just live life.

South Dakota: Great Places, Great Faces

Wow, it's been awhile. (I wonder how many blog posts on the world wide web start like that....a lot I'm guessing). After a recent inspiration from my dear friend Ryan, and affirmation that people do read this, I am going to post again. I guess I just haven't quite gotten over the fact that blogging seems arrogant. Ah, well. Call me arrogant then.

I looked back on my extensive blog posting...and came to a post a year or so ago. It's funny how little things change sometimes, but how much they do at the same time. This paradoxical idea is the theme of this post. I have been through a lot of changes in the past year, some good, some great, some not so great. I've always prided myself on my flexibility, my ability to change. But I realized that flexibility doesn't negate self-reflection. I say this to mean, sometimes I think I let big things change in my life and instead of dealing or thinking about them, I say to myself, "Ellen, you love change. You can totally handle it. Stop being such a baby." No one can change without dealing with it. What changes are you talking about so generally, Ellen? (okay, can't keep calling myself in the third person...) Let's start with the big one. I can now call myself a South Dakotan. I have called myself many things in my life, a Kansan, Missourian, Michigander (weirdest one by far), and now South Dakotan. This, I can tell, is going to be one of the harder moves because I am old enough to know what it means. I feel so far away from everything, and everyone I know. I told Jesse this, that I feel like I am moving in slow motion while everyone speeds past me. I think he can sympathize with me but if you haven't moved you don't really understand. And I'm not talking about our move to college, although it is very big. One thing that made college easier in my mind was I always had a place of stability at home. People, places that I knew. That has changed. So, how do I deal with it? Don't get me wrong, I love my new quaint home in Vermillion. The scenery is beautiful, and I love the pace here, but I still yearn to be with people I know, besides my family (not thatI am taking them for granted). To me, it is the people that make a town. Happiness isn't real unless shared.

This summer has a lot to teach me, and I think the biggest thing is I am going to be just fine. Sure, my struggles are nothing compared to the majority of the world, I have a stocked fridge, clean water and a warm bed. And I am grateful. But I guess for me, the worries become, when put to the test of independence, could I pass. The answer is yes. So I embrace my new South Dakotan-ness and decide to take and learn what I can from this beautiful country.

A Day of Thanks

Sometimes I wish cliche's didn't exist because it takes meaning away from some of the best things in life. Including physically writing down what you are thankful for. So in spirit of the holiday, these are twenty things I am thankful for...in no particular order. (FYI, the picture, I am thankful for that guy. Just because he is impressive.)

1. My family. It is amazing how I can be so lucky. And I had zero to do with it. Thanks, God.
2. My friends. There aren't words to describe it, and that means...I'm blessed.
3. Patience. Because although it can be tough to wait for something you want so badly, it makes it even better when everything works out.
4. The words, I love you. And the way they make me feel.
5. My church family, wherever I live. They make Sunday mornings, and the days in between, better.
5. Sounds like music...and laughter. Because to me, they go together.
6. Technology. Sometimes I hate it, but it a blessing.
7. The fact that I can look back on my childhood and smile.
8. Being taught confidence, morals, and how to treat others. Because, yes, it is taught.
9. For sloths. Enough said.
10. The fact that I know I have people who would do so much, if not anything, for me.
11. Voice cracks. Thank you for making me laugh....every time.
12. Democracy (extra cheesy, I know)
13. When people fall in trashcans. It doesn't happen often, but when it does...
14. Christmas music
15. That I can safely say I'll never be homeless.
16. Letters, words, sentances and the people who put them together and make them meaningful.
17. The two best states. Michigan and Missouri. South Dakota, you're next.
18. love.
19. faith.
20. my life.

Laughing

I. love. this. video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxUulGkLu4I

I am one of those people that laughs at nearly every video on America's Funniest Home Videos. I have a juvenile sense of humor.
Two things guarantee to make things laugh.

1. When someones voice cracks (preferably a mans)
2. When people fall into trash cans. This however, only seems to happen in the movies, alas.

Recently, I have had this obsession with finding a new laugh, I don't know if it is because I notice other people's laughs or if I notice how awful mine is. No matter the reason, I am working on developing a new laugh. I'll let you know how that goes.

This is a random post. But I guess what pulls it together is, there is no one in this world that dislikes laughter. Sure, we've got the 9th grade emo kids who try to say it only makes them cringe and those who are just too serious but when you get down to it, show me a person who doesn't like laughter and I'll show you a liar. Wise words from Ellen.

Anyway, to the two people(Lizzie and Kat, I love you both) who read this, enjoy the video, although I know Kat has already seen it. And by golly, have a good laugh.

Expertise

I wish there were more things in this life that I could say I was an expert on. Not important things like the economy or mathematics, but like movie trivia. I wish there was a movie I knew everything about, that I could name all the characters, their birthdate. I want to be an expert in something random. I've always thought that people like that are cool because it is something so unique.

Sometimes I think that I am lacking a specific personality, or one that I like at least. Gosh, way to make that small unimportant post into something serious, Ellen. But really, I've been thinking about it a lot. What makes me different from everyone else? Honestly, not a lot. I wish I was one of those people that other people called a "character." I want to be a character. And I think I'll start with a wierd obsession in something random.

Is writing a memoir arrogant?

So, after reading David Sedaris' "Me Talk Pretty One Day" I am going to begin my memoir. The first thing that comes to mind (per the title) is, is that arrogant? To think that my short lived life is worth writing, and worse, worth the time of strangers. But, no matter, I have already started brainstorming. It will be one of two books to start out my life as a writer. The second being "A Day Worth Writing About." This second one will be the one to make me the big dough, it will no doubtely make the best sellers list. The concept is that I have to write for a certain amount of time every day, in order to become more aware of my life and how I am living it. My memoir will stay dusty on the shelves of quaint bookshops, but that is alright considering I wrote it for myself.

So that's it.

This is one of the more positive posts, and it is indictivative of my mood the majority of the time. So don't be thinking I'm all moody.

Why do I never want to post when I'm happy....which is most of the time.

The feeling, the recognition, the everything of loneliness is one of the hardest things to recognize in yourself. Most of us are surrounded by people and if we aren't, we are surrounded by ways to communicate with people. But amidst a crowd, we still feel lonely. I guess it is because it is not the amount of people you are with but who you are with. Notice the feeble attempt to cover up that cliche with deep musings. But, anyway. I'm lonely. And I hate it. It is one of those dominoe-ing feelings, where you finally recognize that you feel alone and then you start thinking about every insecurity you've ever had. Those are the worst. I know this is just a phase, that it is probably just part of the transition to home but I would really love if it went away. But this is complain-y enough for now.

Really, most of the time I am happy as a clam.

You know you are behind when your mom knows more about the internet than you.

Enjoy Kitty. It's part of a very delayed birthday present. Just part, however.

Weight

Sometimes there are phrases, lyrics, words that just stick out to you. They are easily remembered, constantly repeated. This lyric was one of them. It comes from Dar William's song, Closer to Me. Somehow these type of lyrics get at the core of something within you, some insecurity, some worry, some constant thought.

“Am I the habit you're too tired to break?"

Man, oh man. Nine words that hit the nail a little to hard on the head. For some reason, college has made me more insecure. Maybe its not college, but irregardless the result of this time has been the same. Annoying insecurity. Insecurity that despite my most valient attempts at hiding it behind confidence and humor pokes out its ugly head. But the truth is I question all. I question my friendships, I question my ability, I question my relationships. I doubt. I question. I wonder. And, worse, I try to act like I'm not.

It's not that I question my dedication to my friends, it is unfailing. And not to say I have friends that ever confirm this insecurity. It's just that I am scared it is a one-way road. Or maybe it is a two-way road but one side is more heavily used than the other. So this is where that damned lyric comes in. Do my friends spend time with me because I am available, because I am persistent, because I am "there" or because the alternative would take effort.

But really, the real insecurity isn't even only in my friendships, it is in the other relationships, the romantic ones. Although it seems silly to speculate without any real evidence to show I will even have to deal with this, it constantly crosses my mind. Will someone love me because they truly love me or because it is comfortable? I think that is an common worry for people. It is a primitive feeling, almost. But it is weighing me down. It's just too big to handle.

No one likes an insecure friend. Even worse, an insecure soulmate. Gonnahavetoworkonthat.

Friends

Whenever I hear the song "For Good" from Wicked I think of certain people. My closest, dearest friends. I think of the afternoon Maggie and I belted every word to Wicked instead of homework. I remember the Candyman dancing of my Kat. Breaking it down with people in my living room. Late night talks. I remember the kind words of people I just meet, and that I hope to get to know better.
I have always been blessed with incredible people, people who make me better. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it. And then, I realize, nothign. I have done nothing. I don't deserve them. But that is what makes those kind of friends so invaluable. Because they stick with you even when you don't deserve it. Even when any other friend would leave.

My friends are friends for life. I pick great ones, and these great friends stick with me whether or not they want to.
It's pathetic, it makes me teary. But the people I surround myself with never cease to amaze me. i wish this post was more prophetic, that it explained what the people around me actually mean to me. But it can't. Because the English language is stilted, it doens't have words to describe the indescribable. Wow, that was cheesy. I mean, really cheesy. But screw it, I don't care.

---
I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you. I have been changed for good...

My favorite animal

I don't know what made me decide sloths are my favorite animal. Or why, at 18, I needed a favorite animal. But they are just so cool. I mean, how cool is an animal that can survive without having any real defense mechanisms. Their entire life, they barely move, just sitting, sliding around. I mean other words to describe sloths derive from the English words "sleep" "eat" and "dirty". Come on. That's cool. That's really cool. I realize it is a wierd animal to like, they are not at all cute, but I think they are just so funny. They are like that friend who is always just chill, never worrying. That's the way to live.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/17201/saturday-night-live-sloths#s-p8-st-i0

Sunny Days

Several weeks ago we had the kind of day that draws you outside. The sun shone strongly, there was a nice breeze. So I had about 30 minutes of free time and I sat by our bell tower and started to do something I rarely do anymore. I wrote. Here are the results.


----
Pen to Paper
Thought to reality
it is the point where you can't deny
the things you know

There are few things scarier
than admitting to others what you can't
admit to yourself

Because the actions of others are, in a word
Unpredictable
it is knowing eyes will watch
minds will judge
mouths will judge

It is pen to paper

Thought to reality.
----

There is a time that everyone thinks to themseves
Okay, now I'm an adult
Alright, now is when my life starts

But when is that?
When is that time?
Is it at a certain age?
Or after a certain event?
Or is it simply
a state
It lies dormant until the mind, the emotions are
ready, prepared to recognize what always
existed

But for now
we go on, using
the "boys will be boys"
"girls will be girls" "teenagers
will be teenagers"
excuse.
But that is all it is.

An excuse.
---

May you find every step to be harder than the last

There is this song, a song that was sent to me. The lyrics are some of the most powerful I've read. So instead of trying to explain it in my inferior writing, I'll let the words speak for themselves.


Pray-Kendall Payne

I will pray for you now, for you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I couldn't not ask for more than what you've already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me
May your heart break enough that compassion enters in
May your strenght all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride
May your company be of human insignificance
May your weakness be your only source of pride
What you do unto others may it all be done to you
May you meet the One who made us
And see Him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many but not what you hoped they'd be
And when you look upon the broken
May mercy show you what you could not see
May you never be sure of any plans you desire
But you'd learn to trust the plan He has for you
May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life for what is true
I have prayed for you now all my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more than I could eever speak
As the way wanders on I'll long to see you once again
Until then, would you pray these prayers for me?
Oh, that you would pray for me

Every line has meaning but there are several that stick out to me.

"All the castles and crowns you build and place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down around your feet
May you find every step to be harder than the last
So your character grows greater every stride"

I think this speaks to what we, as sinful humans do everyday. We spend our days building, constructing, protecting, hiding. To us, there seems to be a purpose to the walls we put up. We tell ourselves that we are doing just fine. But this is saying that those crowns, those castles, have to fall in order to truly be connected to God.

I think many times I expect things to come easily to me. It sounds arrogant. But it's true. I expect people to like me, I expect to do well in life. But I don't work for it. I have built myself up too much only to realize the things important to me, the things I value, hold little significance in the big picture.

So for now, I hope to work harder, to be more reflective. And to make sure each step I make is harder than the last.