Sometimes there are phrases, lyrics, words that just stick out to you. They are easily remembered, constantly repeated. This lyric was one of them. It comes from Dar William's song, Closer to Me. Somehow these type of lyrics get at the core of something within you, some insecurity, some worry, some constant thought.
“Am I the habit you're too tired to break?"
Man, oh man. Nine words that hit the nail a little to hard on the head. For some reason, college has made me more insecure. Maybe its not college, but irregardless the result of this time has been the same. Annoying insecurity. Insecurity that despite my most valient attempts at hiding it behind confidence and humor pokes out its ugly head. But the truth is I question all. I question my friendships, I question my ability, I question my relationships. I doubt. I question. I wonder. And, worse, I try to act like I'm not.
It's not that I question my dedication to my friends, it is unfailing. And not to say I have friends that ever confirm this insecurity. It's just that I am scared it is a one-way road. Or maybe it is a two-way road but one side is more heavily used than the other. So this is where that damned lyric comes in. Do my friends spend time with me because I am available, because I am persistent, because I am "there" or because the alternative would take effort.
But really, the real insecurity isn't even only in my friendships, it is in the other relationships, the romantic ones. Although it seems silly to speculate without any real evidence to show I will even have to deal with this, it constantly crosses my mind. Will someone love me because they truly love me or because it is comfortable? I think that is an common worry for people. It is a primitive feeling, almost. But it is weighing me down. It's just too big to handle.
No one likes an insecure friend. Even worse, an insecure soulmate. Gonnahavetoworkonthat.
